Ok - moving on to the question:
So I was reading a blog instead of doing my work (as usual) and this time, the post was on the subject of relationships and how men think blah blah blah. Anyway, one poster made an interesting comment.
She said people (read: women) had to stop being so rigid in their ways and realize that reality is different from our ideals. she gave the example: if you have a boyfriend and you guys plan on getting married in say...2 years, but you don't want to be sexually active before you get married 9or for whatever reason), it's all well and good. BUT it's unrealistic to expect him to remain celibate for 2 years.
This poster suggests that due to the unrealisticness of expecting your man to remain celibate if you are also going to be celibate, you allow him, er, sow his wild oats, so to speak, with a few rules:
1. complete disclosure, aka tell me when sleep with other people,each time (before or after the fact?)
2. discretion: sleep with other people, but do it on the down low.
3. make sure he gets all the cheating sowing of wild oats out of his system before u settle down.
4. Oh yes - pray about it (it is beyond me why the poster thinks prayer is going to be helping. If I were God...let me not even go there)
So...my question 1 is this: is it just me or is this poster smoking some serious pot?If for whatever reason one partner in any relationship is not feeling comfortable having sex, why not either both abstain or break up?* And WHY, but WHY?! is it okay under any circumstances to give your man the go-ahead to cheat? Hell-o? Once he's gotten the go-ahead during the relationship days, what's to say he won't want to sow more oats during marriage? So if we get married and for whatever reason I have a low libido, is it okay for him to go have affairs? WHY? Let's expand it a bit further: let's say we're in a sexual relationship, but I'm uncomfortable with something he wants to do - say.....oral sex. Is it okay for him to go get it from other people?
Here's another question: what the hell does 'full disclosure' mean? Does any girl seriously think any guy would be telling her if he contracted gonorrhea from someone else? What about chlamydia - that is usually symptomless, so he won't know he has it if he catches it. And then what if he gives it to her at a later date? Would any guy tell you he slept with your best friend? Full disclosure my foot! in this day and age of STDs! Obviously the memo on STDs has been lost in circulation.
How about a third question: why do we (read: African women) act as if it is a given for a man to cheat? Men are not babies with no self-control, nor are they animals, driven only by instinct/desire. They are men!And even so - we train our animals and our babies, so why not the men? The only reason men act like such babies with no self control so often is because of idiot reasoning like this poster's - we let them off! what the heck?! yes, it is difficult to control sexual impulses: difficult, but NOT impossible. No wonder the men are so happy these days - they can do whatever they want and say "ah but I am a man! It's how we do!" and it's ok. Ahh!!! At the root of it, this is not an abstinence/no abstinence or archaic/contemporary or realistic/unrealistic issue. This is an issue about self-control. It is thinking like this that lets men think they can cheat, that makes it okay for men to cheat. It is thinking like this that lets men contract STDs and pass it on to their wives. It is thinking like this that makes it okay for men to cheat but not women. It is thinking like this that reinforces negative ideals about women and wives being frigid, because obviously, there is something wrong with a woman who won't have sex with her man, but then tells him to go have sex elsewhere.....
Question 4: What about the women? Does it ever occur to us that women who choose abstinence ALSO would very much like to have sex, just not before they're married (or whatever?) The women keep their libidos in check, don't they? I just don't get it. What about if we are in a sexual relationship and his drive is significantly higher than mine - should I allow him to -er , shall we say - let off steam, with other people on the DL to give me some reprieve? Why is it acceptable for a modern, liberated woman to think this way?
My final question is: Will it be okay for women to do this too? But of course, I forget - any woman who has a higher sex drive than her man or wants to have sex while her man wants to be abstinent is usually labeled a nymphomaniac...so that's that. To be sure, that poster said that if you allow your dude to sow his wild oats, maybe get him also to let you date other guys will he sorts himself and his libido out. But just DATE, not sleep with other men (bcos of course, u want to be abstinent, that's why your guy's out cheating in the first place).
FINAL final question: why is it okay to think like this? Especially as a 'contemporary woman?ARE U KIDDING ME? Methinks this poster needs to get together with that gay porn pastor from Uganda for some prayers. Or am I being unrealistic? I seriously want to know - u know, just in case i should ever be faced with this situation or a friend, whatever.
*The reason I say that they should both abstain or breakup, instead of saying that the girl should just sleep with the guy is because sex is supposed to be a consensual activity. Any sex that does not involve 100% agreement between the parties is coercion, which is not too far from rape.
PS: And since I am amazed at my penmanship (LOL, ignore me, I've had too much pepsi to drink), lemme just add:
Telling a man to cheat, but do it discretely and let me know when you do it is
1. selling myself short as a woman. If I am giving him my best, I deserve the best, including a faithful man
2. fraught with dangers like STDs
3. denying my man the opportunity to be a man, to assert himself over his sexual urges.
4. telling my man i see him as a child, or an unbridled animal. No one wants an animal or a child for a mate. we want a man! a man: a strong, assertive, caring, loving MAN. No one who cheats is any of these.
And no man wants a woman who doesn't see him as a man: a strong, assertive, caring, loving man.
PPS: How's God going to be answering prayers for a faithul man if you're encouraging him to go and be unfaithful?
